Belly of the Whale

Something haunts me,
Lurking in the shadows, snapping twigs--I twist my head and gaze
But find nothing.
Six months now since I first felt the whispers
The chill breeze, the bristling hairs--What is it?
I hardly can guess. Might I be ill, mortal condition?
Am I nearing a tragedy of some form?
My father?
Or is it me?

At the time that my dreams manifested and first sprouted
It was then that this daemonic hissed out--
Am I tristan?
Am I Oedipus--to suceed
Only to be crushed in the end
By fate's crashing waves?
Is my life a tragedy on a stage to be played out
Directed by some mischievous raconteur?
I feel it there, my alter-self, my shadow, hovering, circling
Just beyond the horizon of being,
Just beneath the surface of the waves,
Just passed the grasp of my reason to decipher.

No. It nears only to recede.
It seems much further now,
Much farther beyond me,
Bigger, collectie, like currents raging in the storm
Not to be overcome.
Only a fool would try.

There are no facts, no verifiable data to point to--
"See, look, I told you I was sick," or "I told you this was going to happen."
There is nothing. Only feelings, tinges, inklings, dreams.
What can I say?
But I ache to know.
I feel teased, perhaps bullied by fate.
Perhaps I am overanxious, impatient, immature.
Perhaps all exists in my own mind
And this is but a whim of insecurity,
A thorn, self-placed, to self-sabotage
My own ambitions.

More truly, I feel all this is my dream's natural antithesis--
The balance: the good, the bad, the tension of existence.
The reconciliation is mine and the true task.

I think I am less afraid of "the thing"
Then I am tormented by its paranormal nature,
It's eerie whistfulness, its ominous foreboding and taunting.
I feel more alone than I have in a long while.
Some vessel is empty within me.
There is room, a vacuum for something new.
The fear can't be driven away entirely.
I focus on my goals, wolk toward them,
But, although I know my direction is well guided
I fear it is lacking a sign--
A cipher,
Perhaps an epiphany--or a disaster
To bring my mission, my path,
My destiny, and my doom
To full manifestation.