Belly of the Whale

SUBJECTIVITY OF LOVE, SEX, AND RELATIONSHIP: an awakening of Spirit.


Tonight I had a conversation that may change my life. (Of course, it is nearly three a.m.—so maybe not.) Not that all of it was new—but that it came at me in a way and a time that I can comprehend it, learn from it, and, God willing, apply it to my life. I want to share a bit of it, as well as I can with you.

NOTE: This is very intimate and personal. This is also very self-deprecating. I know, but I feel there is something to it, if only a bit. At least it is something to think about. Please anyone who has an opinion on it write to me and give me your advice.

I am the sort of man that likes to be intimate; I love women; I love relationships, friendships that is, relationships in the broadest sense: two people loving and communicating and sharing some aspect of life together. To me this is one of the great pleasures of life. I see relationships as a metaphorical sort of triangle: The base, the foundation for relationship, is the friendship: the mutual sharing of experience and compassion, interrelating, and commonality. All relationships should start this way. But the higher you move up in the triangle, the higher the love, trust, and understanding. This is where I see sexuality as being an option in a relationship, not at the bottom. Sex shouldn't found any relationship.

However, I learned that there may be a fissure between what I say and what I do. People will always believe what you do: actions stronger then words. Some people aren’t able to reconcile my flirtatiousness with my sincerity: in short, they think I am pursuing a sexual relationship, a committing relationship, when I don't mean to. I have failed, until now, to see the inherent similarity between physical attraction and dating interest. Yes it sounds stupid, but it is not so simple. The look the same, but aren't. What I am saying is that there are women whom I am interested in physically, friends, who I have no desire to date, but whom I would be interested in knowing more intimately, grow closer to. My flirtatiousness is not meant to be an invocation of a dating relationship, but a flag to my attraction only, an invitation to a heightened form of friendship. I expect my friends to know, either through reputation or explicit conversation, the latter almost always, that I am fond and capable of carrying a sexual relationship with a friend and deepening, not spoiling the relationship forthwith. I love my friends too much. And I am a man.

This is all coming out because I have a friend that I kissed, and since then she has been kooky. It hasn’t worked and I haven’t been able to understand why. I haven't had this trouble before, but now I think I may understand. We have been friends for only a little while, have always flirted a bit, been close. I can’t speak for her intentions, but I find her mildly attractive, but I know I never would date her. But she is a good friend. All the same we flirted and flaunted. I explained that, per chance, if we ever were to hook up, the sexuality would be secondary to the friendship: the friendship was the foundation, what was important. It couldn’t work if we had unbalanced desire: if one of us had a crush on the other or higher expectations. This tends to be painful and thereby undesirable. But it seemed we were on the same page. So it seemed.

So one night we kissed. Kissed was all we did—no big deal. It wasn’t really the opportune time. I wanted to take it slow, see what happened, if anything. She was a little younger than me so I didn't want to put any pressure on her. We were drunk and that never suits me in intimate situations: it is more difficult to be conscious of the other. But to my surprise, the next day, she was clearly uncomfortable and out of sorts. She wouldn’t look at me for any normal period. When we started talking it was a mess. She became defensive as hell, rude even. She said how the kiss wasn’t a problem because it would never happen again. This, I thought, was unnecessarily confrontational. Why make such a statement? To me it was baffling.

So I let it go. We went back to being friends, no problem. But I always remember how defensive she was. Strange. Since then I have been able to watch her behavior with other men, and things are becoming much clearer. I realize my fault. Vicki explained it to me clearly tonight: Of course, any women in her position is going to say she can handle my proposal if she is interested (Actually, this is not entirely true: I know a few who would admit to not being able, but they are more mature—but from Vicki's perspective); she will want to go for it and say, “yah, I can be unattached; I am strong and mature, just watch.” If I had known this girl as I know her now, I would know beyond a doubt that she was not capable of that sort of control: she is young, freshly out of a long relationship; she is all over the map chasing boys and not knowing what to feel about it. I didn’t know this at the time. Then, she was stable and seemingly mature. I trusted her.

But she flailed; she didn’t know how to act normal with me again, not for a little while; she simply pretended it had never happened. To me, this was a travesty. Something sacred to me had been degraded. Sexuality to me is a very spiritual undertaking; I am very Tantric: it is holy. I’m not perfect; clearly, I’m a man. I’m horny like everyone, but I will not sacrifice someone else’s health for my pleasure. I will not lie; I will not deceive. This doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes. This essay is about a mistake. But sexuality should grow out of love of one’s selfhood: who are you? And let my worship that. I can see a divine image in you, let me love it, admire it, and be close to it so I can see the real beauty of ourselves and our world. I’m not playing around.

I haven't lost a friendship over this affair: that is not what this is about, but a miscommunication, misunderstanding, a separation between what my words mean and how they are interpreted, what my actions say in conflict with my words. I feel I am misunderstood. I think this girl thinks or thought I had a crush on her—regardless of the fact I said explicitly to the contrary. This happens to me. But I said I didn't. Ah, but you acted like you did! What is a man to do?

But perhaps what I have learned is twofold. First, when considering making an advance on a friend who is acquiescing, I need to be sure of their maturity and capacity to handle this sort of change of relationship; it is an intimate shift, but it can be reversed, in fact it must be at some point; at some point you must stop being intimate or be married. Hence the importance of the foundation of the friendship: remember what is truly important here. I have been twice now naïve in becoming intimate with women perhaps whom I didn’t have the proper relation to. In other words, it wasn’t the thing to do. Part of the miscommunication comes directly from the second lesson of the day: namely that I misrepresent myself.

I say that I don’t want a dating relationship, but my flirtatious nature can lead women to believe to the contrary, that I am only putting them on. In this case, I think that the girl wanted me to have a crush on me, but didn’t want to date me. I don't obviously like this at all. I was a sort of validation for her (don’t ask me, this has been a strange trend in my life). Maybe she was just drunk and didn’t know what she was doing, didn’t hear the plain words I was saying, words that meant so much to me. I truly value my friendships. I don’t wish to tarnish them, but also I like to take them to the pinnacle; I like being as close as I can. The women who I have been intimate with are among the closest beings to me on earth: I love them, adore them: it’s religious. I don't lose them. And for me I have been blessed enough to have this as reality. Pretty rare, I admit. I am proud and fortunate.

Misunderstanding, I realize, is only half my responsibility. I need to be a better judge of who understands me and who doesn't. I am not wrong for being who I am. It isn't my fault I am misunderstood—only to a degree. But it would help for me to be aware of who sees my heart, who knows me: these are the people I can trust.

So what now? How do I change and what change would be appropriate? I need to be more aware of the consequences of my rampant natural flirting. I need to look for interpretable discrepancies between what I say and what I do: see possible alternatives to my true intensions. I have heard this all before, but now it strikes me with new vigor and pertinence. I hate being misunderstood; I hate thinking that people could think me lascivious or manipulative or dishonest or hypocritical. I am sensitive to this sort of thing, and I’ve put myself in position to be accused. This girl is going to say that she has been uncomfortable because she thinks I want to sleep with her and she has said no, hence the subtle continued tension between us. She can gather this from the fact that I flirt with her, we have hooked up, then she said that she never wanted to do it again. This hurts. What a gross misunderstanding, a demonizing of my intent. I am not so base. But now I know that I can appear it. What an awakening! Is this real?

This is life. I hope I have learned something. I certainly don’t want to change much: I have been so happy and so fortunate. Have I hurt anyone? (Come forward.) But I want to learn. I don’t want to confuse anyone which is what I have done. So to any friends reading, I am sorry. I didn’t realize.

Am I wrong? Is this out of line? I think, perhaps, that most of us communicate fine; we understand each other and listen and voice confusion or dissatisfaction. But with some this is clearly not the case. Wendy and I, no matter the desire to do so, could never see the method to each other’s living: I thought she was crazy, and she me. This other girl, as well, is not able to hear my words and understand them in the context of who I am, what I believe, and how I act. She sees me in a different light, lensed differently than the way I see myself.