10 December, 2003

So here is my journal backlog. I didn't write any of this for mass consumption. But this all happened so I will throw it out there - but I am not proud of it. I will be more articulate from here on out. (I hope) I am in a state of literary flux.

And by the way.....
I love you guys. It feels so good to be supported. You all really encourage me. It really means a lot. There is so much going on in my life, so much to digest and mull over. This is the beginning for some much and it can be scary as hell.

So I love ya and thanks



Ah, a new month. Halloween was great. Wendy is fine. All is well. I did a lot of studying today. I am going to bed.

I am concerned still about my body. So many aches and pains, nagging injuries without seeming cause. Why?


So much is happening and I have had so little time for my journal, alas… I am recovering from a cold, but that is not at issue. I have talked to Robin and he is excited about my proposal for a ship. Sail-mountaineering is what he is after. Sail – mountaineering! Can I really believe it? It is hard to imagine such a life. There is so much to think on and I have so little time right now. But the time is quickly coming. I need to get healthy.

It is also time to sit down and rewrite these stories. I am psyched. Everything is coming to a head. This is the time. I am so excited for the world, for life again.

What to do about Wendy? What there?

Remember the Marathon Monks of Mt. Hiei in Japan. Remember their seven and a half days of fasting, meditation, no water, no sleep. Remember 52 miles a day for 100 days. Seven years, a thousand marathons, five day fire meditation. Truly anything is possible they go beyond the real.


I broke up with Wendy this morning… then went and had three cavities filled at the dentists. So obviously it was a great day.
Actually I have done a fair share of writing this evening. But the twenty-four hour sebaticle was large.
Oh but the venison steak for dinner…. Uum yes.

I have been dreaming so vividly the last few days. I have seen the boat and imagined the Antarctic. I want to get a bike and pedal around countries I visit.

I am ready. I am ready to work and to fear, to be alone and to achieve my far flung dream. It will go. I don’t want to live the life of everyone else here. Sometimes, I am scared for them more than I am afraid for myself.


Oh I just had the most beautiful talk with Wendy. We reminisced old times and our feelings and our hopes. It was really superb. We get along so well when we are broken up. I am sad that things went the way they did. God, I am so thankful.

She said that I was looking for a mother figure in my life.
I would love a Bootsie figure in my life.
She thinks Bootsie is coming to see me soon.
What does that mean?.......

The word is bionic. That is how Nicole describes it. So that is how I have been feeling.
I stayed up until seven am last night. I got lots done. But it is that overall, I feel great, alive. My mind is working so clearly. I can see the future and its setbacks. I am resolving potential problems with creativity. My writing is growing. My relationships are maturing. I am relaxed in the face of a fare deal of pressure and challenge. None of it seems so terrible right now. I am learning what I want and I am looking to the future to see what I will need.

I have had very little time for journaling. SO sad. One can’t do it all I reckon.


I learned a lot of lessons today—too many. What I have learned is that I am vulnerable, in my honesty, to people that choose to pry the truth from me, noting my deflections and deducing the truth, if not knowing it certainly. I have a right to my own privacy and I couldn’t protect it. (I am single now by the way.)

So how can I protect myself. This isn’t the first time: Genny did it to me as well. How can I stop it? I need a poker face. I need for all answers to be given in similar manner. I need to stop the questions from coming. How? How could this have been stopped?

Strangely though, I feel free. Today was the belly of he whale. I am not attracted to anyone—I don’t even feel crushes. Perhaps I will be more free to pursue them. I don’t know but, again, I feel that this relationship is at last behind me. There is nothing left to be destroyed; it’s all gone now. I feel nothing anymore. Strange that I felt this coming all day long. Why did it have to end this way I wonder? Why did she have to dig until she found what she feared, self-manifested? I am not tied to her. I am both pissed and numb.

Lots of questions, old questions. What a huge autumn. Has it really been the best I could do? What has been gained? I have learned to write; I have suffered; I have started to move into my future; I have loved; I have fought; I have been challenged; I have found seclusion; I have slept. All in all I’d say it has not been overwhelmingly positive. So there is plenty of material to learn from. Is there a story in it anywhere? How could I ever write Wendy’s dialogue?


Fucking cool day. I haven’t said a word since 12:05. I’m going a full 24 hours without talking to anyone – no vocal communication, not even Widge, who likely will be a bit confused because he won’t be able to read my notepad.

Well, I haven’t meant to say a word. They slip out from time to times. See ..\Quietude2.doc This link may change when I change the final name, but it shouldn’t be hard to find. It is a non-fiction piece about not talking for a day; it’s called “Say What?”
I had a good semi-talk with – oh my god, I can’t believe I forgot her name. . . . . Heidi. Welcome to my world of amnesia.


The last day of a tough month. But oh how it has ended well. The trip I took to the cabin with Linda, Greg, Cory, Loren, Soren, Caroline, Rose, and Daron was great. The ski in to the cabin made the whole weekend worth while. It was an awakening.
Last night we talked about fairies, near death, dreams, Jung, destiny and on andonandon…. Caroline was staring at something that felt special and a friend walked up behind her and felt it too. He took three pictures of the tree they were staring at. On developing the pictures he found a fairy was walking there in the picture. HOW COOL IS THAT!!!
[see thanksgiving pix in Fall’03]

I feel so much better after the turmoil of the last few weeks. I talked to Jamie B for an hour which was great. Loren Linda, and I had great talks in the car and we listened to Jean Houston on the way home. Highway 2 was a beautiful drive, so much snow and the Northern Rockies like teeth hemming us in. My favorite, though, was walking alone at night. I sneaked away from a group and then hid and watched them pass. It felt so good. I thought about Blake and the Gnostics. We played a great game called scategories—I love it. It is my new favorite game. Me and Linda won. We kicked ass, but we had some fine, my-T strong competition.


It is 3 AM and I am rocking. The last few days I have been on fire, working my tail off, in the zone. I am on task, and I feel like I am doing good work. I had a great talk with Judy tonight which also made me feel uplifted. Life is back on track. I just need to see it through. Everything is flying by. Eternity is now. I can see it all around me. I hope everyone else is okay. Wendy? Linda is hurting like I have never seen before. I am scared for her, but so wrapped in my world that there is little I can do or even think about doing.

Always exciting to have a new journal. I don’t have as much energy to put in my journals these days as I would like. But I am doing plenty of writing all the same. I need to decide what to write for next semester. Pokhara and A.T? Maybe Bootsie’s death? A version of Bouda or “The Dogs are Bodhisattvas” Oh—“The Shepherd’s Hut” I want to write that one.

I just got reunited with Megs – like from the Lemon Megs, Crystal and Megs, hop in the bed at two in the morning Megs, the grey area between all talk and no action Megs. She is married and living in Fargo. How strange. She goes completely with the wind. Megan Sunshine Turner. It was a fun talk. I needed a break from the computer.

Work is coming along. I had a workout today and it felt lively and fresh – whatever that is supposed to mean. I could feel it, I could feel the life in my muscles what seems like the first time. I am tired of looking at the computer.

Today is the day. In a little less than twelve hours I get to do my presentation. I am damned excited, pretty funny. I feel good. It is early but I’m up and at it, listening to a little Willy and Waylon, “A good hearted woman in love with a good timen’ man.”

Well that’s about it I guess. I’m just so stoked I wanted to write about it.

Well it went good and bad. People enjoyed it and stayed after to here me speak, but my organization floundered. I couldn’t use my notes at all. I have to just wing it. Which I did but I was scattered and inarticulate. But I got through and people were impressed. Wilson said he really wanted to take another class with me. I want to sign up for the Dante/Joyce graduate seminar as opposed to the Joyce class I am now in. I may ask but that will be a lot of work – so what!

SO I am happy and cheerful; I went to the bar and had a Baily’s and won a game of pool. Life is good. Now back to work.

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