Ah, me again, at last

Me Again

I may have overlooked something fundamental. My head is coming out of the fog a bit. I am feeling like myself again. Perhaps I should share a story.

A few months ago I received an email from a girl I've never met. She had found Brain V's website and through his, found mine. She thought it was pretty cool and that I was perhaps pretty cool and she asked if there was any chance I would take her sailing.

She had told me that she lived in Wales and that she was a climber. The fact she was a climber, I told her, was enough to be considered for crew. So we started writing back and forth. She was so jubilant and positive and fun. She was very open and shared fears and personal issues after a short time talking. I was really enjoying the dialogue. She was also the first person I've ever met on the internet. I had, and still have no idea what she looks like. It really didn't matter. She was intriguing.

We got on well. We got closer and closer. She was serious about coming and eventually I told her I wanted her to come out. It was a matter of timing. I knew I already had plans to meet Anne in Fiji, so it would have to be sometime after that.

But just before I left NZ I found out Anne's stay would be short, so I told-let's call her She-Ra-to come on to Fiji as soon as she could.

The next day I left for Fiji. That must have been around the 28^{th or so, nearly a month ago now. And I've never heard back from her. Gone. Or silent. I have no idea why. I am completely confused. None of it makes good sense; there are so many possibilities, none good. It feels like it was a practical joke, but it just wouldn't make much sense. And I think I am a little better critical reader than all that.}

So what then???

This was my point: Perhaps what all this points toward is that my fate lies alone. I've always felt that way. Obi-Wan was always and is my hero. Perhaps I have to let go of my zeal for women and get down to the business of living. I waste so much energy in the pursuit of love, so much thought and dream.

I wrote She-Ra an email today saying that if nothing else she must give me a Yes or a No because, "I must have crew." And now I realize, No, this isn't so at all. That isn't the way of it. I haven't had crew; that isn't my way. All I must do is continue on. This is my mode. I've been happy. I've done well. Keep on.

Perhaps I've been nervous about giving up my freedom and solitude for good reason. Perhaps it would be a mistake.

What I want to say is, Okay, I give up the chase. I accept Solitude. I accept my Fate. Bring forth what comes. But I fear that as soon as I do I'll hear She-Ra yelling, Wait, wait, I'm here; I'm coming. And then I'll be a hypocrite. . . . once again. And not for the last time.

I am not ready to fully accept the hermits life. I have so many dreams that will be damned difficult to accomplish alone. I may well attempt them, but then I fear my life may be a short one. I don't know if I have the talent. One cannot live long on luck. I gamble well, but sometimes you can't afford to lose. Yet I refuse to stand down. Come what may.

I wrote this long and beautiful email to She-Ra delineating all the dreams I had and how we could share them. It was an epic email, packaged in a big joke, but it was heavy none the less. We had a fair context for it though, I thought. But, again, I've never heard from her since.

So I must rewrite it once again. Change the verbs from plural to singular. Alas.

The hardest part for me may be losing the anticipation of love. This is what really keeps me going. I seem to be perpetually let down in the end, but the journey there has always been such a joy and a bolster. Feeling loved through the written word does so much for a lonely man's heart. I can't begin to over-emphasis it.

 

I am not accepting my fate as I fear it. Not yet. But I am close, very close. But there is no need. I can take one day at a time. But I must watch where I place my energy, my hopes and my dreams. I can't control the hearts of women. Would I be a fool to depend on them for my happiness?? Perhaps. Should I lock them out?? No. But I should spend my thought on the future that I can command. I shape my own actions, I sculpt my own dreams. I have tried to find someone to share them with, but I can't find someone by looking.

She is either there or she isn't. So be it. Maybe tomorrow.

I wish I could truly believe I was better off alone. That would be something. But I'd have to have tried and failed. I can't even fail. I can't get that far!