not me

Not me.

 

I have lost something, something important.  I think it has been slowly seeping away as the years alone have accumulated with age.   I am an egotist.  I understand myself and very well.  After all what else do I have?   But in the time I've spend in my mind and in self-reflection I've been unconsciously been feeding a fog, a haze of understanding between myself and others.

 

You don't believe me.  Oh no jonah, you're as nice as can be, you say.   I'm nice because I want to be, because it's what I want, not necessarily what you want.  And I think I know what you want, what you need.   But I am learning that I am more wrong than I think. 

 

Maybe I don't understand people anymore.  Perhaps I have the gist of human emotion, more the more delicate part of—particularly—female needs, insecurities, reactions, ect. is still so far beyond me.   Wait!  That really isn't it.  I'm circling in on the point.

 

I have an infatuation with openness and honesty.  I have come to the conclusion that I can say anything in the world that I feel, anything, because it is true to me.   If it is true than I can lay it out there and see how my friend reacts to it.  I am not in the wrong because I'm only being honest and, even better, I'm not keeping any secrets.

 

But, every now and again I'll say something that is bound to cause trouble.  It is either misunderstood, inappropriate, indelicate, not a full or fair survey of my heart or mind—or all of the above.   I've said some ghastly things that I'm so ashamed of.  Not that what I said wasn't true, but I was thinking so much of myself, of my feelings, my needs, my goals, my curiosities, that I overlooked the needs of my friends, the sensitivities to their lives and feelings.   In short I was blinded by my own urge to speak, to share, to understand more of the relationship.

 

I think I am a great fool.  I can't say I know anyone else who is brash enough to say some of the things I've said over the years.   But the problem is that I am not sure.  I think what I am saying is so, but I'm not sure.  Am I being stubborn or am I being resilient in my reluctatnce to change to a more reserved person?   Are the misunderstanding I've experienced just a part of relationships, just a part of communication, sometimes it goes awry?

 

I have to ask myself what I gain from full disclosure.  I think I get a lot.   I carry no secrets.  People have full access to my heart and mind.

 

Okay, but what about timing?  This may be it.  I think I am compulsive.  Maybe it isn't what I say, but when I say it.  Ah.  Okay, I like this better.   If I were to let things take their natural course, then those things that I say that tend to backfire might come to light in good time.  What is required is more patience.

 

This feels right.  I know I am compulsive, and that isn't a quality.   I must learn to be more reserved.  It is hard for me but it seems I owe it to myself and my friends.

 

[I realize most of you reading this have very little clue what I am talking about.  Well, at least I hope you don't.  I won't explain.  I don't think I do it often, but I only really know if the person tells me or if I can noticeably sense it in their demeanor and ask them about it.   I can only think of maybe five times, though I'm sure I've just erased a few.]

 

 

 

So maybe I've not so much lost something but never had it: patience.  I have been working on it in other ways, but not within the context of my friendships.   I know it is a weakness but I didn't understand the breadth of which it affects my life.

 

I love you my friends I want nothing more than to be a good friend to you all.   I want to be the best friend I can be.  I had a bad miscommunication with someone recently.  I said something, it got taken the wrong way.   It took a couple of days to sort it out.  It was a bit traumatizing.  She was really mad at me and I had no idea as to why.   Really mad. 

 

We worked it out in the end and I was so shocked that it was something I had said that had incited the whole thing.   Ah…..I was crushed.  I explained myself and she apologized for misunderstanding me so badly, but, in the end, I didn't have to say what I did, I knew better, and it caused a lot of misunderstanding.  

It is more complicated by things I can't go into.  But I meant well.

 

I don't want to do it anymore.