Belly of the Whale

A VERY LOW DAY - WITH PLENTY OF SPELLING AND GRAMMATICAL ERRORS
From an email:

I am totally stressed out.
I'm losing all faith.  I don't know what it is.
Everything is confused.  I have nothing safe, nothing secure.  My mind
is tied all in knots.  Fitting!

I was so so excited to see the repair work done.  I was on top of the
world.  But no sooner had that glory passed when the next item arrose:
my engine.

Do I put back in the water now and deal with the engine later?
Can I afford to stay in the yard and work on the engine here, with is
really the best way, if  not the only way?
Do I rebuild the whole engine or just change the head gaskets?

Where is Carmel?  And why can't I get her on the phone?  (Not your
fault, or course.)
Why don't I wake up to the reality that she doesn't feel the same way
I feel, doesn't want the same things I want, isn't in a place to go
and do the things and feel the way I want her to feel?
Why do I keep holding on?  I feel and fear I am slipping?


My dream is all I have, but making it manifest is so tedious and tricky.
Today, it is the only thing in the world I am sure of.  Everything
else is in the air, illusion, mystery, a tease and a daunt.

I need to get the hell out of this town for a few days.
I need air and space to look at my problems with circumspection.
I need to talk to you and again try to learn your heart and where it
is and where it is going.
Has it changed?
Have I am more reason to hope?


I'm not sad; I'm not angry at anything.  I'm simply stupified and
confused, aggrivated by constant relentless pressure.
I haven't been exercising enough.  My lazy work pace is not enough reprieve.
Ben is my sole companion and solice.
No one else will ever answer their phones.  (no fault, no fault - not
just you, C.)

Holy Shit am I on a tirade.
I have to vent.  Letters and words are all I have anymore.
Earlier I got a hug from a friend and it felt like such a rare thing -
what a sad shame.

This too shall pass - as soon as I can form a plan.
Today, as it happens, my faith is in a deep low.
Tomorrow will be different.  Likely I will regret my words, feel silly
and ashamed and apologize.

But for today this is my muddled heart, my staggered mind.
Here it is and what of it.
I wish you were here.  I wish lots of things that aren't.