I'M BACK. . . well

. . . at least in mind and spirit. Look, I'm even writing again.
Technically, I'm only "almost" back, seeing as I am still in the Hong
Kong Airport. But just hearing all the Chinese and seeing the dark
hair and dark eyes once again lifts something burdensome from my
shoulders. This is going to be good. The omens don't seem to be in
line, there may be some hardship still to come, but somehow i am far
less troubled about that than I was even yesterday.

I have always enjoyed reinvention and renewal. And this may be the
most serious reinvention I've had to do since I was eighteen--No, i
know that isn't true. Well, becoming a sailor wasn't really
reinvention, it was growth.
In the last year I have encountered many things that I am now
realizing i haven't assimilated yet. Only when i fall back into my
life, that which has been my bedrock, will I really begin to
understand how I have been affected and changed.

My initial feelings today are those of loss: I think i have lost some
sympathy. If this is true then it is a shame and I hope to regain it.
True empathy is, i think, is perhaps one of the greatest virtues.
I don't seem to taste the excitement of anticipation like I used to.
I used to revel in anticipation of things to come. I haven't felt
that in quite a while. My mind has convinced me it is impractical
because there have been so many failures and dissappoints in the past
years (plural). I am not sure whether this is temporary or permanent,
or whether is for the best or otherwise. Have I grown fearful of
disappointment? It would seem, but I am not conscious of it.

These add up to me feeling as though i am a cooler, perhaps more
reserved person, perhaps a more experienced person (and I mean that in
a negatiive). I don't want to be detached from life, judgemental of
those I disagree with, dubious of opportunities before me. Perhaps I
prefer the innocence of running boldly forward, fearless of the pain
of failure or disappointment, eager to hear all opinions and genuinely
eager to believe that there is some truth to them.

Honestly, living in the South has left me shaken in that regard.
Intellectually, I am at a loss to defend with an conscience many of
the political and social prejudices of my home. And i can not seem to
ignore that. And I can't seem to come to terms with this situation.
It is not entirely conclusive, I might add.

What I fear is that I have lost my Beginner's Mind. Once I prided
myself on my ability to learn from all those around me. I thought of
myself as a good question asker.
I began running out of questions. I want them back. I want my
curiousity, my love for the experience of others, back.

In the coming days and months I want find myself again, see how I have
changed, what to keep, what to remake in a better image. I want to
dream again and see how these have shifted with the changing world. I
want to redefine my future.

Is it so wrong to look at your life in this way? I have been
questioned for taking my life too serioously. Shouldn't it be?
What is more important. Anyway. . . time to board. I'm coming home.

--
Jonah Manning
S/V Araby

Online Journal: www.jonahmanning.name
Email - bellyofthewhale.gmail.com
Phone: n/a

c/o Charles Manning
751 Mallet Hill Rd
Apt 13105
Columbia, South Carolina, 29223
USA

Emergency contact:
Dibble Manning
phone: 001 - 803 - 787 - 4352
email:cmann1960@aol.com>
also check addresss in "to" column