23 June, 2005

Bummed out and some terrible writing

To regain my senses:

-sauna at Doe Bay
-fast for the solstice. 3-4 days. Water only.
Meditate, write letters, read, write, occational boat work: climb mast, clean engine.
-daily exercise
-more diet conscious.
-find a routine, a daily schedule to follow: wake up, stretch, food, pushups, ect, read, work.

Need more goals, short term goals.

I feel aimless, meaningless. What the hell am I living for? What am I learning? I’ve lost the string.

I’ve lost the string. Ariadne’s silver thread, that line that has always guided me. Where is it now. I dropped it. It slipped from the fingers of poor form. I stopped exercising, I lost all routine. I externalized my needs. In short, I lost my center. Without a center there is no balance to work from. One loses their way.
Yet somehow I was slow in realizing my deviation. I slowly lost initiative. I became lazy and lacked the motivation to do the things necessary to stay healthy. Soon I began fixating on external sources of gratification—women. I felt I needed comfort and validation, but what I failed to see was that I needed validation because I was no longer able to receive it from myself. I was in a slow slide, too slow to notice on a day to day observation.

How serious? I don’t know. How can one say? I only know I see now. I have halted the downward slide. Now begins, or has begun, the upward turn. I went for an incredible bike-run today: an hour ride up a windy steep mountain road to Mountain Lake, a four mile run around the lake, then the bike ride home.
Tomorrow I shall start a three to four day fast. Cleanse my system. All the toxins and stress need to be washed away with the change of the length of day. I need to go to Doe Bay once or twice and sweat in the sauna there to further my cleansing.
Once the fasting, sweating have passed I will find a routine for exercising on the boat: pull-ups on the companionway, pushups on the bow, stretching, squats, capuera on the dock, ect. Rowing.
I need to eat fruit and healthy food again, but also experiment and stay satisfied.

Next, I need to make a plan for the summer. What do I want to accomplish before the Fall? What learning do I still need? What do I need to fulfill before leaving Port Townsend, to feel good about my time here?

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